


I Don't Give a Quack

by ArtemisRae42



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Established Relationship, I think I'm funny, M/M, intense use of quacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29688543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtemisRae42/pseuds/ArtemisRae42
Summary: Buck is trying to control his use of curse words because Christopher may or may not have been hearing him cursing when he wasn't supposed to.He really should have known better than to try this strategy at work.Eddie is just along for the (gloriously hilarious) ride.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 38
Kudos: 591





	I Don't Give a Quack

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a conversation over in the Buddie Discord. Not entirely what was joked about but, you know, I thought this would do. :)

It started with a crash and then…

“Fuck!” 

Eddie stopped what he was doing, looking over at the direction of his son’s room in disbelief. Slowly, he turned his head to find Buck looking at him just as stunned. 

“Did I hear what I think I just heard?” Buck finally whispered. 

This broke Eddie from his stupor and he headed down the hallway to open the door to find Legos everywhere on the floor and even a few on Christopher’s shoulders as the boy looked up at him with a deer in the headlights look. 

Eddie took a deep breath, reminded himself that his son was now nine and it was to be expected that he’d start testing boundaries like this. Then, once he was certain he was calm, he asked the most important question. 

“Are you hurt?” 

“No, but the box dropped on me,” he said and Eddie nodded even as he made a mental note to change the location of his Lego box again. 

“Okay, do you want help getting to your bed?” And away from the Legos which could easily cause him to trip and fall—they’d found out that the hard way when he was five. 

“Yes, please,” Chris said and Eddie moved forward, sliding his feet to try and avoid actually stepping on the Legos himself. 

Once Christopher was actually on his bed, then and only then, did Eddie cross his arms and stare his son down. Buck was hovering in the doorway, watching and listening with an expectant air. Almost immediately, the little boy on the bed started squirming. 

“I’m sorry,” he said before Eddie could actually scold him. “It just came out.” 

“Where did you even hear that word?” he demanded. 

Buck scoffed behind him. “Really Eddie?” he asked skeptically and Eddie had the good sense to admit yes, he knew he sometimes cursed—

“I heard Buck say it when he stubbed his toe,” Christopher said and Eddie looked over his shoulder just in time to see Buck’s eyes widen. His expression didn’t get any better as Christopher continued, “and when he accidentally burned himself on the stove and when he tripped on the front step, and when he walked into the wall the other morning and when you two were kissing on the couch when I was in bed the other night—“ 

“Okay, okay, we get it, I say it a lot,” Buck broke in as both of them turned red at the last two parts—Buck had only walked into the wall because of Eddie and they both knew it.

“I know it’s not a nice word but you both use it a lot,” he said and he looked miserable enough that Eddie knew he didn’t have to punish him for it—especially since it was a bit hypocritical as he’d only learned it from listening to him and Buck. Mostly Buck. 

“We could start a swear jar?” Buck offered. “A dollar per swear?” 

“You’d be broke in a week,” Eddie said, only half joking, and Christopher giggled. Buck looked a bit put out but also didn’t argue. 

Eddie thought about the few therapy sessions he’d been to and something Frank had said came to mind. 

“You can train yourself to change your bad habits,” he said. “We just have to find something that’ll work.” 

Which is how Buck and Eddie both ended up with a toy duck stuffed into their pockets the entire next shift. 

~~*~~

“I still can’t believe we’re having to do this,” Eddie said, hand in his pocket and ruefully fingering the duck there. 

“He listens a lot more than I thought he did,” Buck agreed as they headed upstairs. “I didn’t even know he was in the room when I walked into the wall!” 

“You walked into a wall?” Hen asked, looking up from her book. “You okay?” 

“Yeah, didn’t even bruise,” he said and Eddie turned away so he wouldn’t do something stupid like laugh.

By unspoken agreement, they decided not to mention the duck thing to anyone on the team, if only to avoid the embarrassment of having to admit to being called out by their son. 

It lasted all of five minutes. 

“And then, of course, I was like, fu-uh, oh, um,” Buck said, stuttering when he caught Eddie’s eye. Buck swallowed and his hand went into his pocket as he continued. “I said (QUACK) it, I’m going in.” 

The kitchen was quiet for a few minutes and then...

“Did anyone else just hear a duck?” Hen asked.

“Suspiciously when Buck was about to say something else?” Chimney added. Bobby did not say anything, just looked at Buck expectantly.

“I, uh,” Buck said and then looked at Eddie for help. 

“We’re trying to curb Buck’s penchant of saying fuck all the time when he thinks Christopher isn’t listening,” he finally allowed. 

Bobby smiled. “Someone got caught cursing, didn’t he?” he asked knowing. 

“And he listed all the times he’d heard Buck curse,” Eddie agreed with a smirk. 

Hen’s brow furrowed and Buck's hopeful expression dropped as they both knew what she was about to ask. 

“And just where did the quack come from?” 

Buck reluctantly pulled his toy duck out of his pocket and showed it to the other three, squeezing it for good measure. The quack seemed a lot louder outside of his pants. 

Eddie very pointedly did not bring out his because he knew exactly what was about to happen on this shift. 

Also, because Chim and Hen started laughing so hard they were tipping over and were enough of a distraction that Buck didn’t even think about pointing out Eddie had one too. Why out himself if he didn't have to?

“I think it’s great you’re trying to train yourselves not to curse so Christopher doesn’t start,” Bobby told them over the other twos raucous reaction. He added with a chuckle, “Just try and make sure you don’t have to quack when we’re out on a call.” 

As if summoned, the alarm went off as the speaker announced a car accident, no injuries. 

The two calmed down by the time they got to the crash site but by then, Eddie and Buck (mostly Buck) had a different problem. 

“Son of a—” Buck yelled when he was trying to pry a door open and slipped on some oil. 

“DUCK!” Hen and Chimney yelled when he was about to curse. They were inspecting a minor head wound and a broken arm respectfully and if they hadn’t yelled, no one would have likely known they were paying any attention to Buck. 

Eddie caught Bobby’s eye as Buck very reluctantly squeezed his pants where his pocket was and a muffled sounding quack came out. Bobby was biting his lip, clearly trying not to laugh, but didn’t say anything. The woman in the car looked confused but also kept silent (though Eddie thought she was concussed which may have been part of it).

And so it continued all shift.

Buck got shampoo in his eye in the shower: Quack. 

Buck fell five feet trying to get a damn kitten off a roof: Quack. 

Buck getting droplets of boiling water on his hand while cooking with Bobby: Quack. 

Buck getting bowled over, literally, by a group of toddlers at a daycare center: Quack.

Buck being teased mercilessly by Chimney and then cursing at him: Quack.

Buck tripping over oxygen tanks: Quack. 

(Okay, that last part was mostly Eddie’s fault because he’d deliberately stripped his shirt off in Buck’s view and distracted him—totally worth it, even if Buck didn’t agree). 

Buck looking confused down at the chess table he and Eddie were playing at, “What the fu—”

“Duck!” Athena’s voice broke in before he could finish. 

“This is all your fault,” Buck hissed as he squeezed the duck like he was strangling it. Then he seemed to realize who had actually yelled at him and he looked over to find Athena smirking from next to Bobby and Hen. He groaned. 

“Really?!” he demanded, looking at Bobby and Hen with a pout. They both laughed. 

“I think it’s fantastic you are trying to be an even better role model for that boy,” Athena assured him with a smile. “A shining example of a human being….but you have to admit, it’s an unusual way of training yourself.”

“It was Christopher’s idea,” Buck said with a sigh. 

“Where’d you even get that damn thing?” Athena asked. 

“Buck bought it as a way to try and get me to agree to a dog,” Eddie said. He smirked. “Christopher found a better use for it, in my opinion.” 

Buck’s eyes narrowed and he very deliberately brought it up to Eddie’s face and squeezed. 

Quaauawuauack. 

Everyone froze, looking down at where Buck had it in a stranglehold. He frowned and loosened his hand before squeezing again, but all that came out was a sound like a dying, well, duck. 

“You killed it,” Chimney stated dumbly. A beat and then…

“Oh God, that’s just perfect!” Hen cried, wiping at her eyes as she slid down laughing with her back against the truck. Chimney wasn’t much better and even Athena was leaning against Bobby as the two of them laughed. 

Buck just sighed. 

~~*~~

“Hey Buck?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Why is one of the toy ducks in the trash?”

“…Your father broke his by cursing so much at work today.” 

“BUCK!”


End file.
